Pee hands and urine handles

With the start date for my new job right around the corner, I've been doing a few things to get ready, such as finding an apartment and peeing in cups. What, is that weird?

Actually, I had to take a drug test; I don't just get kicks out of peeing in little tiny cups. I've never had to take a drug test before, so I thought it was kind of a weird request. According to the nurse handling my urine, however, it's super common. Oh, America.

I went to get the drug test over my lunch break, so I prepared by drinking approximately 107 oz. of water in 30 minutes. I actually don't think that's possible, but I drank a lot of water. The test was going to be at the hospital, and since this isn't an extremely hoppin' town I live in, our hospital parking lot is, give or take, the size of my parents driveway. Everyone in Mitchell was visiting the hospital on this day, so I drove around with a very full bladder for a while before I finally parked lightyears away and ran my behind up to second floor so I could finally pee.

But pee I could not. There were two people in front of me to pee so I had to sit with an uncomfortably full bladder in the waiting room while a new employee watched a video made in the 70s about pathogens. Awesome.

It honestly didn't take TOO long for it to be my turn. A nurse came to get me and gave very specific instructions to empty my pockets, wash my hands, put my purse in the cupboard. I guess they have to be specific so crack heads don't sneak in clean urine in their purses (ew).

Once I was in the bathroom there were even more specific instructions: pee in the toilet. Then pee in the cup. Then pee in the toilet. Then DON'T FLUSH THE PEE OR YOU HAVE TO START OVER AND WE WILL PUSH WATER DOWN YOU UNTIL YOU HAVE TO PEE AGAIN.

Noted.

So, I did my business and in doing so peed all over myself and wasn't allowed to wash my hands. Then I opened the door and realized that other people also were probably covered in urine and touching the door handle with pee hands and I totally got the heeby geebies.

This is why I hate hospitals.

Pee hands and urine handles.

The nurse handed me a wet nap, but really, it was a wet nap and I was covered in urine so myΒ cleanlinessΒ is still up for debate at this point. Ga-ross.

SO THEN I'm standing in the hallway where people are coming and going (HA, LITERALLY) and the nurse goes into the room to wet nap the shelf where I put my cup of pee. And the toilet is still full of my urine. And she is hanging out next to it.

And this, friends, is why I did not go to school for nursing.

My pee is then put into two viles and at this point we are standing in the middle of the hallway and she is working with my pee. So people are walking by and I'm just all, Hey how ya doing, yeah that's my pee, this isn't weird at all.

Then I had to label my pee, which meant touching the container again, which once again contaminated my hands with more urine.

Ew.

I hightailed it out of the hospital as soon as I could and I don't intend to take a drug test again any time soon.

So how's your Thursday?

Around the Net

  • I'm loving this shirt worn by my boyfriend Zach Efron, who happens to be a big fan of this blog.

    OK he's not a big fan of this blog. Or my boyfriend.

  • Did you guys see my face on these posts yesterday? I'm leaving my Operation Beautiful internship because of my new fulltime gig, and it's very bittersweet. I totally had a moment yesterday when I saw these posts. Healthy Tipping Point has been one of my favorite blogs for years, and I have such a soft spot for OB, so to be mentioned on there - even though I feel like I "know" Caitlin through all our emails - was just crazy cool.
  • I'm assuming the RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF VIEWS on my blog yesterday was due to the above two posts and not due to absolute hilarity, but still, YOU GUYS. SO MANY VIEWS. I logged into my Dashboard today and thought my blog was malfunctioning. Wowza. Are you back again today? I hope so!!