Condiment Catastrophe: a story of egg salad

I was going to make this for lunch today. I was going to take pictures.

It was going to be a really pretty photo shoot because you know what is prettier than a hard boiled egg's bright yellow and a perfectly ripe avocado's green fleshy goodness?

Nothing.

Maybe this:

*Gratuitous photo of my future nieces. Gorge!

Back to my egg salad.

So last time I tried to make egg salad at Jeff's house (sometimes I go there for lunch cuz it's .2 seconds away from work and my parents' house is wayyy too far away for an hour lunch break [not really, but his house is much closer]) I did EVERYTHING my mom/The Pioneer Woman/Google told me to do and my eggs were not cooked. It was heartbreaking. Do you have any idea how it feels to crave egg salad like crack and get everything all set up and put together and spend 20 minutes boiling two damn eggs and neither of them cook all the way through!? It's enough to make you sick.

Literally. That's how you get salmonella.

I didn't have the salmonella problem this time, thank GOODNESS. I was getting ready to mix everything together and I took the mayo out of the fridge. Back story: unless it's on a BLT or LIGHT in a salad (pasta, potato, egg) I do not go near mayo. Ewyuckno.

It jiggles.

It freaks me out.

No.

So of course I had not realized that the mayo in the fridge had expired IN DECEMBER and was CURDLING and I bet you anything Jeff had been eating it up until we went on vacation last week. Climb aboard the vomit train...

I was able to find some Miracle Whip that only just expired last week (!!!!) so I squeezed in the teeniest amount just to make the egg stick together, basically, because if I hate anything more than mayo it's Miracle Whip.

I threw in some mustard and worcestershire sauce (<- KEY!) and tasted my creation and it was surprisingly delicious despite the condiment catastrophe.

But then I ate a spoonful with avocado (my one true love) and I decided that on their own each are glorious, but together notsomuch. I think it was a consistency problem. Too much mush in one place. That being said, maybe when I actually have mayo and not that other crap I will try Ree's recipe. Who knows.

After all this, my camera died anyway so it didn't even matter. It's like I never ate at all. Because after all, if there is no Instagram photo of it, did it really happen??? I ask you.

So now I've got a sliced up avocado in the fridge marinating in lime so it won't go all nast and brown on me, and I'm trying to figure out a way to use it ASAP. (Guacamole is the obvious standby.)

I've also got a husband-to-be with a totally clean fridge because the mayo situation freaked me out so I started purging, which really wasn't a bad idea anyway cuz yesterday Jeff ate a 13-day-old enchilada.